Monday, August 29, 2005

a foggy city. (fiction)

(monet - house of parliament)

Today i woke up and looked in the miror.
i tried to smile, but what's the use? that face peeping on the other side again didn't look as though they really belong to me. my eyes were swolen of sleep deprevation and worry.
i have to design a tourist newspaper ASAP and it worries me, and i have a paper to give in my course, and i need to get on my diet back and do my exercise. but it's not just that. it's just shitty in a general way. i feel disconnected.

now, when i greet neighbours or talk to someone, and it's just hurts to put that mask on.
i have so much to do and i feel disoriented. all the day passed and i often flee to the toilet, so i can read or write, anything but dealing with files.

i started hearing an audiobook i got from lilly, a very interesting one called "american gods"by Neil Gaiman, and i feel thankfull for the oportunity to disconect and run, but still able to do some work. it's sucking me into it and it's hard to disconnect from it, even when my boss comes to talk with me. when i go to lunch, i read a book just to avoid talking.

later in that day, i found out that i passed an open university test with a grade of 70. it was that bad. obviously, that didn't make me more happy. i felt worthless.
im not someone who shows his depression outwards, and i guess no one notices, and that's good for me. i rather not talk often, but i need to talk in order to work with other people. i want to talk, i want to let it out, just not to the ordinary people.
i dont have the strength to answer inquisitive questions, work, study, breath. i just feel as though i just want to curl into myself.

but today i just can't. i need to go the diet meeting and wheight myself so i could see how much i got fatter, and then get my shock that will get me on the slim and anorectic diet horse again. i need that frame or i'll fall apart.

We closed the wooden door of our dwelling, and walked across the street. a new holy day is beginning.
we were all dressed up in our finest clothes, put our hats on our heads and wore our finest wooden shoes, that made a deep and dim sound when we walked on the slippy pavement bricks. it was a little bit cold outside and the sun was out there, half seen by the fog. the streets looked now slightly blueish..
we continued along an avenue, the kids running along, passing their hands alongside a black metal bars that fenced a garden. we got into the park and passed through all the gardens.
when we got to the canal that had a dock in the eastern side of the park, we took a boat ferry. the canal was white and pure, and the wet white stones shined in the thin light. the narrow space in it was enough for two boats to pass. we sailed between streets and under houses, until we reached the eastern terrace of the city. water were pouring from the cliff and the canals and became waterfalls that fell in pools of the lower terrace. i paid the ferryman and then we went directly to the praying mantis guild. the old man went to the stables and dragged an obedient praying mantis. it was quite tall and slim, and because I'm from the middle terrace, I'm not a frequent user of these marvelous but dangerous creatures so i was a bit afraid.
the guild's man put a big harness on the mantis's back, enough for four people and for a driver that pulled the strings controlling the animal.
Ifa, my little child was afraid. i cant blame her, but i managed to calm her down. the driver got on the harness and another man helped us to get on the harness with the seats. the beast has risen and started walking towards a platform at the end of the cliff. then, as it seemed as if we are doomed to plunge down, she turned around, and started going down the cliff, using special grappling points that were carved in the rock especially for her needs. as we went down, i saw Ifa smile and gazing at the view. as other customers gone up the cliff using a mantis, we greeted them.
finally we got down and the praying mantis continued walking in the streets, amazingly not hitting the people or the stands that were acustomed to it. we got to the boardwalk gate, and the driver left us there.
first, we entered and chose to enter a shrine. the shrine had a special place for achieving harmony and peace. it was a large hole in the marble floor, and underneath it flowed a big waterfall that fell into a deep pit. the water poured not from one direction, but in a round and even way, making the waterfall perfect and round. a little bridge suspended from the outside of the circle to the center of it, allowing you to see the phenomenon in it's full glory.
we got out from the shrine and went across the paved boardwalk. it has a little stone hedge that sands at the edge of the boardwalk, to prevents people from falling into the abyss.
the beauty of that boardwalk is that you can see foggy clouds rise quietly up from the deep cliffs. you could actually "touch them".
it's always slippery and foggy in the boardwalk, and i held my kids tight so they wouldn't run away and disappear in a few meters in the fog. so they wouldn't fall.
my wife hugged me and looked at me. i held my kids up so they could see the marvel. ifa'seyes were widely open, and she reached her hands and tried to grab a cloud. between the clouds, i could notice bits of the lands below, lush green areas that spread as far (and as much) as the eye can see. i knew i should be at peace and harmony, but all i could concentrate of was a distant and menacing feeling feeling that the bricks of the pavement don't look so stable.

we continued walking along the view, passing other travelers and wind pipe artists who play soft and quiet melody, in order to enhance but not damage the harmony that this place possesses.

might be continued.. :)


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