Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Life from a grass P.O.V

Today i got up and dressed up. i remembered that last night, i was having hard time getting myself to study and when it was late, i just told my parents to wake me in 15 minutes, so i can do some walking exercise for a half an hour. i fell asleep and wasn't able to get up. in conclusion, i had something of an hour of studying, and no exercise. a failure.

i was talking with my therapist last night about all the things, but particulary about my dreams and about depression.

lately i had a dream. i was walking in the desert, then i saw a bunch of houses of a kibbutz ( rural community in Israel based on communal property). it had a yard with grass and a large eucalyptus tree (i really hate eucalyptus). on the houses walls, were hanged huge black and white pictures of Tilda Swinton. i find Tilda to be a very beautiful and interesting looking woman. Anyway, after the kibbutz, i was standing in the desert again and then i saw her. she was standing there, colored only black & white, her head was wet, (and although she was in black and white, i knew she was red haired). she was standing in a "Venus de milo" pose. she looked at me & i ran towards her, trying to reach her. but suddenly, the desert became flooded, and it became muddy too. it was hard getting to her, and i heard a voice recalling about "trying again and again to reach her, but more water came and made it harder, and she seemed to always be there but in the same time she was farther away". finally i got to her, and from then.... i can't remember.

my therapist and i talked about feelings that flood me sometimes, feeling of depression that are as equally "suffocating" me as doing nothing and staying in a mental vacuum. she was saying that i should fight my feelings when they come and flood me. that when it happens i should boldly decide not to succumb to my feelings and decide not thinking about it. it's hard, but possible.

but that night i was too tired to fight myself, this fierce and justified battle exhausted me, and i just played a sad song and felt sad.

i played the travis acoustic show in my young brother's quality amplifiers, sat on the floor of the corridor, and just listened to the music, enjoying the soft, caressing, and emotional vibes of the songs ("sing") as much as i could. i don't recall many times where i did nothing but listening to music (without doing something else like work or surfing the net, or walking in the streets, or waiting for the train or being in it and watching something like the view).

i sometimes like to come and lie on the floor just for the fun and the new perspective it gives you. you are suddenly staring at the world from the height of cut grass. even my dog, Milky looks bigger. sometimes i like to lie down on the carpet when i come from work and do nothing but lying near Milky. it has this soothing effect on me.

Milky was there too, near my brother's room, sitting and watching what curiously, on what my brother was doing(getting ready for the first day of school in his high school). her ears were falling backwards and she looked at us in the most innocent and cute brown look ever. i sat beside her (on the floor i already said right?) and caressed her. her wet brown nose is touching my hands, her "fleece" is soft under my finger. and her gaze was pointed at me. i could swear that i felt as though she likes travis or just as sad as i was (when listening to travis). i know this is absurd, and dogs do have a human gaze, and i have a good imagination. but that's just my feelings overthrow rationality.

and i thought, well - just lying on the floor, saying nothing, and listening to music. this is a moment of sheer fun and beauty.


Anonymous lilly said...

she plays the snow queen in the new cinematic vesrion of "the lion, the witch and the wordrobe" That's good enough for me...

5:12 PM  
Blogger dark-forest said...

yea she's got that nordic look suitable for that kind of roles. her, and that amazing cate blanchette.

beautiful european women. cant get enough of those special women.

1:27 PM  

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