Sunday, August 28, 2005

random fluid thoughts

and beauty, so much beauty. the human orgasm and sexuality is a beautiful and rare thing. this site is a launched artistic endevour (it's not a commercial, but a recomendation) which it's goals are to show the true beauty of numerous people, cumming. well, it's not the actual cumming rather the depiction of orgasm in the human face and sound and it's beautiful, and so true. i enjoyed watching the promos very much (i dont have a membership).
for those of you who will shout in a wave of puritan self ritousness, this is not pornography, because pronography concentrates more on the pumping actions and all the nuts and screws, than the complexity and beauty, of the whole machine. pornography in a way is art, but more the art of pleasure than "visually intended art". pornography deals more in self and fast endulgment.

play .wmv

play .mpg



now, you must excuse me, all the few and dear reader(s) that i have.
I'm starting a random flow of thoughts, and i don't blame you if you want to "get out".

it's amazing what fatigue can do to you.
lately I've been working hard and i find myself ending a work day in late hours and my weekend was mostly (other that a few bright and shiny hours) in work related subjects. i feel uplifted because i feel important and that I'm going somewhere, it's a good cause. this is a kind of a beginning of a peak, in the frame that i have set in my life. i can't hold on without the routine.
but it goes along hand to hand with the tiredness, like a prisoner chained to it's guard. i feel depression hovering above me like a wolf upon his prey. when I'm tired, i feel as though I'm blind, and big parts of the time just flow like slippy snakes from my hands and i can't really notice it until it's too late.

Friday i met a particular wonderful person whom i known in the virtual life.
i was facing the ocean on a staired platform, near the tel aviv beach. yea, wind began to flow. sunset. then a sudden slight smell of a delicate perfume and a voice, and the a warm hug from a beautiful woman, and then i was sucked into another universe. a long expected meeting. we talked and walked and talked, and walked and created art and talked more. and it seems like the world just stopped for a minute and let me have fun for a change. all along i felt great, but i was afraid that i can't be really honest like i can be - on the web. but, as we talked, facing each other and forgetting the sun, my defences just poured from me to the ocean. it was just pure fun. even when the fuckers towed my car.

lately, sometimes it's just making me tired just to open my mouth. when people want to talk in the messenger, or i have to send an email to someone i barely talk with, i feel it's like i lack the strength. even the notion of calling to ask my about grades from the open university is making me ill. but with her, words just got out freely from my mouth. now im afraid that i was too honest with her, and i might have looked too enthusiastic, too innocent, to honest, and my eyes were too "hungry", and that i was too childish for her, and that this and that.

from the majority of my connections with the outer world, i have learned that I'm not fitting to the general rules and tactics of the universe. i want to make a connection, but i show too much of myself, and most people are deterred. eventually this leaves me very insecure of just about anything in life and especially in my social life. i don't know when im too little or too much, and it just seems that fucking up new relationships is the most common scenario for me. it's my honesty that made me so fragile.

now is the time for the moments where the insecurities are sneaking in to me. all those fears that occupy me sometimes appear and rule me, like i was a puppet in their hands. even writing those lines is frightening me, because i feel now too honest, knowing she will read this.
but i also feel that i shouldn't be ashamed of nothing, particularly in vendolusia and particularly with her. i just felt good in those moments with her, and that's all i can say for myself, to shut those fears behind a door.

and I'm happy that i can write that in a blog and letting it out.

i was listening to sad music. i like sad music. it's like hearing someone agrees with you and even comforting you across the ocean.
today i listened to funkstorung. funkstorung are an electronic composition from Germany. their music is an odd, cold, clean but unpleasant and have a distinct electronically sound. when listening to most of the Disconnected album. i think it's like watching a couple of robots live, love and despair themselves in a cold and clean ice house, disconnected from any reality. i can see abstract shapes born and die above a frozen lake. you can even see that on their video clips* (in their site). off course, there are some other "tones" like hip hop, and other "more alive" tones, but most of the music is weird and cold, just like i like it, containing electronic glitches, jazz, violins, pianos, and vocals by a great singer called enik (or eniq). enik sings with a lot of regret and memories, or at least that's what i felt. its so personal and listening to him, it's like seeing a sad movie and sinking into it.
returning to their music really makes me shiver a bit. its horrible yet immensely beautiful at the same time, inhumanely weird but comforting and human at the same time.

i know this sounds pretty incoherent, but I'm right now thinking about fragments of life, unaranged and pasted one upon the other in dis-harmonic way, peeling un-aesthetically and half transparent,distorted and distorting the layers under them. each one of them is a little blurred movie, with twinkling lights. they are layed in groups, in rhythm, like someones playing a deep and entangled jazz theme, reminding me of Cinematic Orchestra's tunes, and each one of them is moving inside themselves according to their own rhythm, repeating a piece of memory, over and over again. I'm picking one of them. it's torn a little piece, but it's colors are vivid. i can see one of those moments when I'm looking in the mirror, and not recognizing my face as my own, but seeing only an outer shell that don't fit the consciousness that lurks inside.

oooh. brrr. the air conditioner is disconnecting me from the hot reality of the hot Israel. I'm disconnecting myself in my icy world.

* funkstorung has published a triple media for their disconnected album. in addition to music, you get a cool designed book and a DVD containing amazing and cutting edge video clips made from various fan designers, including our Israeli Jew-Boy.


Blogger Tolerant Damascene said...

Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting. Hopefully one day you'll be able to visit Damascus :) Peace will prevail at the end.

I'm going to make sure to visit your blog every once in a while :)

12:04 AM  
Blogger dark-forest said...

hey man, nice seeing you and thanks for stopping by. i hope peace will prevail at the end too.
peace :)

10:33 AM  
Anonymous lilly said...

Cool I was just checking your blog, pretty much expecting to still see the spine image, man - you had a really productive day writing here, It's funny how words sometime just drip one by one or barely even that and sometimes it's a river.

I'm listening to some sad music as well, it was Leonard Cohen before but now it changed into Colleen - some ambiance creepy tune, very similar to what I feel - hazy and sad.

Jew-boy dies really great stuff I’ve seen one of his works in the Noga exhibition on Saturday, which was really nice.

4:28 PM  
Blogger dark-forest said...

writing liberates. i should find how to say that in latin and put it on my blog header.
a river of words :)
i relly like doing it, sometimes on the job's time, just to feel better.

10:39 PM  

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