Tuesday, August 30, 2005


("Dark Forest" - By Dark Forest)

nothing has changed.

the heat is making living harder for me. its all too complicated and i feel desperate when i stand alone in front of all the factors together. fighting myself every day it's a daunting task.
when i woke up, it was just too much like yesterday. i feel so alone but writing it down it looks like the words on the screen are screaming out of their commonness. it's like so many people wrote it, that it just doesn't matter.

i find too many things slipping and strangling me. and above that stands an overall sensation of helplessness. i truly feel like always, like shouting something that no one hears.

and with this feeling i open the day. it's like I'm eating an egg of insecurity and a salad of loneliness and depression, spiced with a touch of fatigue. but the work is so busy, that i get to come over it around 12:00, and be a productive man for the rest of the day. it's not that i don't wok, it just means that it's hard designing when depressed.

i remember a meeting of the class at the "Soho" restaurant. people were talking and having a good time. now, i have a slight hearing problem, that made communication with other people on a noisy background a real problem for me. but it's much more then that. when i see people talking, knowing i should participate, i feel as though I'm staring at the reality out of a window, unable to "go out and play", like a sick boy. the reality is happening in front of me, people are talking, but i am just observing from the inside and not a real part of that reality. and furthermore, when i try to talk, i often fail to say something meaningful.
i was thinking about it; here is an evening out where i should enjoy, and all i do is thinking about weather should i say something, and something meaningfully, and why am i wasting my cerebral power thinking about something to say. people were nice, and the sushi was great, but other than that i felt as if i want to go away.

i finished reading "Shogun" by james clavell . (SPOILER) it was a magnificent book, i was totally united (emotionally) with it and i was very educated from it. but the end was such a sham. it was horrible. a kind of literary version of deus ex machina (and maybe not exactly, but it has the same annoying feeling, like someone lacked the inspiration/will to find a proper ending). it's like all the book and all the events were planning to an event, (the war) that was described in one simple, dry and historical paragraph. in the last pages i kept measuring the size left for the actual depiction of the war, but the pages got shorter and only in that paragraph, i found what i wanted to read. besides that, i truly felt that many facts and events, important for the grand finale, were shamelessly cramped into the last chapter as "future plans" in one of the main character's head (Toranaga). i felt so disappointed. sure, the book was awesome, but the end just blew it.

and in this words, i seal the post and go to sleep.


Blogger timnayar said...

I really like that picture.

6:59 PM  
Blogger dark-forest said...

thanks man.

12:36 AM  

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