Friday, September 16, 2005

In the process again

I just went through a hard period of tests and work, and now all i got is work, so i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. in that period i would return from ten hours of work (in the good scenario, but usually 12 hours) and start to study mountains of uninteresting materials for the exam, but today was the day of the test, and now i feel better, more free of needs. i can create art and write letters and posts, and have my free time, and if i had someone to love and fuck with, well it was all peaches.
without my free time i discovered, that i become a shadow of myself. life is complicated as they are, and one more load is way too much.

last days i returned home and ran to my room, running from anyone and anything. when returning home all i wanted was to grab my food plate and run to my quiet room. my mother asked me if i want some salad and i just started to cover my face and move inconveniently like i was seeing cockroaches. i was definitely tensed to hear someones voice, and she was surprised (and perhaps insulted) by this reactions. she just sat and didn't say nothing for a moment. my father later came and asked a casual question, but i started moving inconveniently and covering my face again.
what's happening to me? maybe the big exhaustion and tiredness has got something to do with it.

and in this Friday i had to bring it all to the therapist and i was afraid i just can't, I'm so full of shit i just need a rest. but i think now, after the test was a good and surprising ordeal, i can come and say all that in my heart, even those hard feelings and deepest sensations i can even dare to think about. every time I'm in a therapy session, its like opening and disinfecting a wound. i open and clean until it burns too much, then i have to wait for my next time.

i have a feeling like my problems has turned more hard lately with the therapy, but i know it's a phase and this new constant awareness, self dissection that i do to myself in every day, is so hard and i feel flooded in a new and threatening way.

the test was one of my latest fears. after getting 70 in a test i felt i was a winner in, and after another when i didn't study enough for, I'm too pessimistic for something good to happen. even though, had so much stuff to write in the test and i feel good about it. but again, i don't believe in anything.

after returning home i let myself relax, watch TV and create art (not together).
i grabbed a big painting i stopped painting before a year and decided to finish it at last, now that i know that i should finish things i started. i put that painting on a stand. it's quite tall, something like a meter height. i look at him and shut the fuck up, examining every single detail. it was hard, finishing a painting that was so different. like the picture of Dorian Gray, there was a great deal of me in it. but since then i was changed so much. i could literally see, the freshness and innocence of the soul that didn't experience all the vast tsunamis i experienced this year.

i understood that if i was to continue this painting, well, that impression will be gone, but i had no problem. this is the changed me for better and worse. my roots had deepen and my branches trying to reach to the sun. i also knew this year is just a start, a first step in a long journey. i felt that i was deeply changed this year, but I'm still waiting for a certain event that would change everything again.

in Tibet there are Buddhist temples and monasteries where each year they make a map of the universe with colorful sand. they toil for a great deal of time and then one day they come, and in a ceremony they wipe out all that they have toiled for. the universe is a temporary element. nothing is forever, everything changes and dies and lives. by changing the painting i wipe out my old life and start a new life for better or worse.

I'm listening to The Smiths - The Queen Is Dead, and first of all, i stand before the old man in the painting and talk to him. i tell him what has changed and must be changed, and that i must close things so i can open other. i point out the weak spots in the painting and telling myself ii just don't care if I'll ruin the painting, because things must changed and that i don't like it as it is.

then i paint with thick brushes, ruining the face and painting with acrylic paint that allows me to keep working in a certain rhythm.

i know that I'll love it and hate it and love it again, then make a beautiful advancement that looks like the end of the process, and then ruin it (mistakenly, again with a single brush stroke). and then I'll get angry and touchy because I'm so emotional with my art. I'll even yell at the colors that they don't blend so good as i wanted (with humor), and then I'll finally create something finer, more beautiful, and finished. but it will take the time.

not relevant -
the 80's kick ass. they just do. 80's music is so powerfull.
the 80's kick ass...


Blogger Akasha said...

i love the 80's. i was in highschool back then. i dig all the stuff that happened in the 80's. too bad, you were still a toddler back then...hahahhah!!!


8:37 AM  
Blogger dark-forest said...


80's and school, well, this sentence is a movie on it's own.
i was a wee boii back then haha...

9:57 PM  

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