Thursday, September 01, 2005


("Knowledge of Self" - by Dark Forest)

ately I've been listening to the Doves and especially a special track called "Almost forgot myself".
listening to that song is like reading a chapter about myself. i know these feelings are purely in my head and might be far from what the writer's intentions, but it seems so true to me, it just makes me sad. the contrasted range of my feelings, the happiness mixed with sadness and the flood of feelings that really makes me forget myself, and the downward spiraling into the depression abyss. high and low. it hits me so hard. it just makes me want to cry. again.
i get a same feeling from hearing "Almost forgot myself" and pink floyd's "Time". that feeling of time passing by in my life, consuming itself and i stay as i were under the sun, i fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.

i read today something that really surprised me.
i was always depressed in summer. i feel weak, tired and miserable, and until i read about it, i felt it was something that only i might have. but apparently there is that thing called Seasonal Affective Disorder. it's found more commonly with people who have winter depression, but the winter depression has a little brother that works on people like me in summer.
its not like I'm not depressed at winter, but summer is extra hard. somehow i feel better in a sick way, that other people know what's this summer depression is all about.

i have a small sensation now, how all the words in the words in my blog are made from various forms of "loneliness" and "sadness". it bothers me that readers might think this is boring, but then i sooth myself and explain to myself that this blog is not a traffic oriented blog, and that i can write to myself the way i want to, and feel free about it. it's one of the few spaces i can do that in life.

i shuffled the track in the mp3 player and fell on the devine Eric Trufaz's latest album Saloua. his music is a whole world. a sheer emotion stream. then i got the urge to hear more jazz, so listen to Miles Davies - the jack johnson sessions. hearing jazz just makes all the cacophony of life seem natural and understandable.

today i just listened to sad songs and just let myself sink even more that i am when i usually open my eyes lately. again, i just couldn't fight it. but maybe now, the weekend is over and i can finish my paper, and maybe do something creative and fun. lately i don't have much fun, (but for a few moments). it's not just that i worry about the upcoming test or the newspaper I'm designing, first time in my life (and in an area that is very stressing to me - PRINT). it's all of my feelings that overwhelm me. in most of the times I'm having a hard time enjoying. for example, i used to go to partys every Friday, and dance all night, but lately i just cant come to a party without feeling an extreme sensation of loneliness.

Doves - Almost forgot myself

So close...
You're wasted again
I know, somehow...
I lost myself...again

Making me high again
I almost forgot myself again
It hits me so hard
It kills me again

So close
Yet you're wasted again
I know, somehow...
We'll find ourselves...
I don't know, I don't know

Then we'll be high again
I almost forgot myself there
It hits you so hard
And kills again

I almost forgot myself again
I almost forgot myself there
It's hitting me hard
It moves me again


Blogger Akasha said...

Hi Yaro,

last winter, i had this unexplainable depression that nearly drove me out of my wits. can't explain it. was terribly frustrating. turned out when i started seeing a shrink, that i was suffering from SAD. yikes! i hope that this winter, i won't have to go through the same ordeal again!

i hope you'd feel better soon. i guess it's just a matter of focusing ourselves in other things. i dunno really.

hope you feel better...



what happened to the date? how come neither you or her won't tell me a thing? am i being nosy? hehehheeh...come on...come on...LOL~

5:29 AM  
Blogger Akasha said...

btw, i added you to our new site. hehehe...mine and raven' the future, it's going to be our wedding site...hahahahahah!!!


5:31 AM  
Blogger dark-forest said...

hey Deity!!
love seeing you in my blog.
sorry i havn't been very communicative lately, i have been quite busy and depressed and that somehow affects me.

i hope that next winter you won't suffer.

i dont think you are noisy, it's just that im not good at telling stuff :)

i'll be adding you right away too.
what is the adress?

thanx for visiting (and Mwah!).

11:06 AM  
Anonymous lilly said...

I get winter depression and winter anxiety (if there's such thing) there are a lot of ways to deal with this, some involved medications, other involved therapy or a change of diet and some forms of alternative medicine works very well for that, you don't have to solve this all by yourself - this is a neurological problem not an emotional one, and there are solutions for it, really, thing don’t have to be so difficult.

It made me thing of a song called "the last day of summer" (which you are probably looking forward to and which I dread) by a band called Magnet:

Last Day of Summer

You crash out on his side
All is quiet, all is calm
The air thick with stale smoke, your cheap perfume and alcohol
And although you know you need him like a stake through your heart
You think it's worse to stay apart

Cause it's the last day of summer,
And it will hurt you more than most
Cause you're still trying to mine for memories in a ghost
It's the last day of summer
And you know you're not supposed,
But you're still trying to mine for memories in a ghost

You're absence makes no sense, just a constant state of suspense
And although you both know the bubble might burst as soon as you meet
Another false start, rather than to stay apart

Cause it's the last day of summer,
And it will hurt you more than most
Cause you're still trying to mine for memories in a ghost
It's the last day of summer
And you know you're not supposed,
But you're still trying to mine for memories in a ghost

11:41 AM  
Blogger Akasha said...

Dear Yaro and Lilly,

What's with the two of you? LOL! Why is everybody talking about depression??? Like I didn't use to talk about it noh?

Anyway, it's just I guess that time of the year when someone feels so down that no matter what that person does makes him or her blithe.

I guess, for now, I don't want to be depressed again ever. I have found someone I wanted to be happy with for the rest of my life, and that alone takes all the anxiety and pain of the days.

I wish the both of you finds happiness, too, if not soon, maybe in the future.

Pass me some drink here! Please!


11:35 PM  
Blogger Akasha said...

btw, yaro, is that you in the picture?

8:11 AM  
Blogger dark-forest said...

lilly - nice song. sad one, fo' sure.

i only read that summer depression has no known cure. if it was in winter - a decent light exposure will do, but all we summer victims can do is hide under the ari conditioner. i think the it's not only that problem that is making me down. i't part of the whole picture and my sadness goes far and deep, but it's a part of it i think.

Akasha - yea:) that's me on the photo.
im talking about depression because here is the place for me to be true to what i feel. part of it my feelings now is, i guess, a little bit shitty :)
yea happiness is out there as they say. love is out there too.

10:31 AM  
Anonymous lilly said...

Well, I'm not sure about that, a lot of incurable illnesses seem to have some solutions, I found yoga a great tool in dealing with depression ( I really should get back to doing more of it) and there are a lot of dietary changes and other stuff you can do, maybe you should ask a phsycietrist about it. The one I went to though he wasn't a vary sensitive or understanding person did help me a lot.

At least you've got summer depression and I got winter depression so when season changes - we can take turn cheer each other up - sort of like Chernobog and Yellowbog...

10:15 AM  
Blogger dark-forest said...

lilly - i find that suggestion most welcoming. i'll be happy to hold your hand when you get the heebeejeebees, and be happy if you will be there too :)
together they can't beat us, i tell you. we took jaffa, then we take berlingo!

12:01 PM  

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