Tuesday, September 27, 2005

suffocation



my family is a family full of love, but love can suffocate. living in my parent's house for now is a difficult reality, because there is no privacy. living in a kind of "kibbutz" (collective settlement) atmosphere, means there is little privacy. everyone knows stuff and things are passed like water. people here, especially my mother, just can't shut up. i find many things just passing to her girlfriends without my consent (not too much sensitive stuff, but still).

as i am a very privacy jealous man, i want to keep my room and my life as private as i can. this is why, i bought my own computer with my own money, so i can get a hold of something which is myself in this goddamn world. but it's still - a fucking kibbutz family, and so happens that my father and my older brother are using my computer and won't leave it if i need it. when i get upset they start to get insulted.

it's hard not having a bargain card. if i insist on my rights, father gets insulted and says he gives me so much and my brother threats to "pay" me some day. i don't think they understand, my insecurity and my need for a private shelter as a place to escape. although i feel terribly lonesome in my life, i need my quiet hours away from my family, as they are a suffocating element.

resistance is futile.

my work consists lately of a lot of pressure. but oddly, i don't get pressured at all. except - when my brother, who is in charge of me (yea, a boss) at the work place (long story) is working with me. i can't design when he's sitting at the back of me, watching my moves and commenting remarks. again, get that terrible suffocation feeling. as I'm the designer, work falls on me mostly and currently he has no work, so he comes to my room and bothers me. thus, i get very irritated, touchy and bitter. when he comes my design ability drops. i just can't think straight. and although I've told him for a thousand times not to interrupt me and that it bothers me, he just won't listen.when he come around, i get to know (after many sessions with the therapist) my unwillingness to get orders from him. i say to myself that "i hate him" for several times, and then i hate myself more for my defects and psychological issues. he's no saint, and he has his parts, but it's mostly my fault. this confuses me and makes me just sad. i hate myself.

the main problem with this wrong and ill family-work system is my kibbutz family knows, by his "reports" what's going on. so even if i do want to tell something, they will know it already. and then they'll start asking detailed and annoying questions i don't have the power/will to talk about. i don't like confessions by torture and if I'll want to tell something, it has to come from my will, not their inquisitive questions.now off course, everyone in my family were naturally "born designers", and they sure know how to do all of the stuff and that i waste time, so they allow them self to constantly bullshit my mind with advices, telling me i waste time doing minority stuff, like designing, and that i should end that work and send it to print already.well i only work 12 hours a day, and i only ended production school and first year in visual communications studies. what the fuck do i know anyway....

i just hate my family so much lately (besides my little brother, whom i love very much). i just want to make them stand in a row and slap them. naturally, i love them so much, but their lack of ability to give me the basic privacy, just made me into a very negative man. last week i just felt suffocated and tensed from hearing my parents voice.

yesterday i learned how stupidity can reach new heights. my father again had lectured me about what should i do and that I'm wasting time as usual. i replied that i don't want to hear another word, and that i worked 12 hours and that I'm tired, i don't want to talk about it. i said that he doesn't know anything about my work. he doesn't know that designing and production are a very long and exhausting procedure, including many corrections of text, colors, alignment and composition. he doesn't know that production needs hours and hours of painstaking care to every small detail and that so many can things go wrong.then he said that I'm not a master to my own life (still, I'm 23 years old, that's gotta mean something), and "when he sees me doing a mistake, it's time for him to take the saddles and decide what to do".

that really hurt me to hear this, to understand that he thinks he can say stuff like this to me, that he doesn't see me as an independent man.and in a way, that's just shows the true face of this family's mentality. there are no individuals, we are part of a collective.i need my individuality.

i spend much time explaining to my big brother in work too about that a magazine containing 96 color pages with designs and ads takes time, and that accidents and mistakes do happen, especially if there is so much on ones mind and especially if I'm doing a work that is normally done by a whole studio.now my parents are going away to Prague for a couple of weeks, and was so pissed off because of all what happened. i just count the seconds till they go. nevertheless, when waking up one morning i decided two things:
I would not tell or discuss or hear any work related subject to my parents no matter how they will insist, knowing it has a price.I forgive my father for saying what he said, and I'll part from him with a kiss because they are leaving. i want to confront him, i want to yell at him until the sky will shiver, but they are going away tomorrow.

all the next day i felt like a boiling pot with a welded lid.finally, as i write these lines, i bursted against my decision and i told him everything angrily:
that this family is suffocating and that i know better because it's my profession, and that they can't respect privacy, and when enough is enough. he was insulted again and said how i ruined his desire for the trip tomorrow, and mother said it's not the right time to say such things and that something can happen to them, and eventually i feel as though i hate myself even more.

off course, i still love and forgive them for all those stuff mentioned above, but it's hard living like this. sometimes it's much easier just to stay alone at work until it's late rather than working with my older brother or coming back home.

5 Comments:

Blogger Akasha said...

I like persons better than principles and I lker persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

Oscar Wilder - The Picture of Dorian Gray

Cheer up my man! Family is always family.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Akasha said...

err, sorry for the misspelled words. am kinda sleepy.

talk to you soon.

mwah!

10:11 AM  
Anonymous lilly said...

I think that being angry with your parents is a natural part of growing up it's like the chips that fall of metal of marble as you forge and mold them - a way in which young adults (or old adults) built their personal boundaries.

You try to write an angry post, but mostly I hear an appologestic approach, for every time you say you are angry \ hate, you feel a need to say you love them and everything. It's OK to hate or be angry with your parents, in fact allowing yourself to feel that without feeling too guilty about it is a sign that you parents did a good job raising you - that you are secure in their love enough to know it can hold your anger, that they'll always be there for you.

I'm just learning to be angry with my parents now, it's still very difficult.

I think that living as an adult, in the same house as your parents is very difficult and the fact that it's getting harder means that you are growing up. I guess that as some point it'll become too unbearable and you'll have to move out and find a place where you can feel more privacy.

I think that maybe you should have a serious talk with your parents about touching your stuff and maybe install a key - being able to lock the door might make you feel more protective.

If it's too difficult to confront them on your own, maybe talk to your therapist about doing a group session and having her help you explain that insecure feeling of lack of privacy make you feel.

3:37 PM  
Anonymous Serenity now!!! said...

It seems like you have a very strong love / hate relationship with your parents. Relax, brother. Everybody does.

Our opinion of our parents is a curve. When we are young, we love them, admire them and thing they are the best in the world. As we grow older, they become pests, they intrude our lives, invade our space and just do everything wrong. Later on, they are just another worry - we have to take care of THEM, just as they did to us when we were young. Yeah, it sucks. Your parents are pretty much in a place where no matter what they do, it won't be the right thing in your eyes. I don't envy them. But I don't envy you either.

The solution to your problem might be simpler than you think. Move, bitch, get out' the way. Get a place in the city. Live your own life. Breathe the air of freedom, pump up the volume. You're 23! Cut the cord! It's time you live your life on your own, where you can create and surround yourself with people you CHOOSE to be with, and not people that fate chose for you. I'm sure this is a difficult step to take; If you have problems with it (no money, or some other issue) just start out slowly. Spend the night in Tel Aviv after your classes are over. Then the week end. Pretty soon I'm sure you'll be feeling a whole lot better about yourself, your creativity and your life in general. I was very sad to read that you wrote that you hate yourself. It actually surprised me. Thats something a teenager would write, or somebody very very down. You shouldn't hate yourself. Its okay to hate everyone else, but you should LOVE yourself, and make the changes you need in your life.

A chinese cliche' once said that a journey of 1,000 miles begins in 1 step. So yalla, start steppin'.

Waiting to hear good news,

GAMKEN1@gmail.com

3:02 AM  
Blogger dark-forest said...

deity thanks, i'll write it in my diary. "Sunday 8:00 - cheer up!"
thanks for being so nice :)
"Misspelling is the evidence of a great person. or just sleepiness. and other stuff too"
Dark forest - the chronicles of Vendolusia.

Lilly - it's not that i apologise my hate, it's just to make things into proportion, knowing in family there is no hate without love, and that intensifies the problem. in diffrence from a teenager, i can't say i hate 'em without i love 'em, because im not blind with my anger.

Nadav - if only i could move out. right now, payment for my college, open university studies, various stuff for my design studies, and finally a lot of medications - are too expensive for me to spend some money at the time. i can't really see how i manage all these. i already have a debt and the fucking boss has no money to pay me (fuck him).
well - hating yourself might be something a teenage write, but everyone can be depressed, no matter the age. it can be a chinese grandma or a boy from nebraska. it doesn't matter the age.
i know i shouldn't hate myself, but i have real problem seeing that things will be diffrent soon.

3:56 PM  

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