Wednesday, October 19, 2005

the Fear

esterday i returned from a walk with Milky, my dog. we walked across town enjoying the cool air of the new winter that came. Milky is fearful of big dogs, so cleverly she does the opposite of what i do when i meet my fear. if she is near a big dog, she attacks that poor creature with ferocious hell hound barks, showing her teeth to him as though he ate her parents. when she starts making those scenes i can barely hold her. her frenzy berserk-like blitzkrieg attacks come in great contrast with her cute looks. she looks like a teddy-bear, but i guess looks can deceive. I remember dear Yoda saying "Fear leads to aggression..." nevertheless, she is nice and cute most of the time.

i notice that when walking with her, i also wear her fears. i discover myself to be more suspicious, avoiding encounters with people and big dogs, walking away from groups of teenagers that sit on the park benches. i become fearful like her. when we walk in new paths i always look aside, searching a malicious free village dog or just scary bugs, or snakes that will jump out of the earth.

when we came home, my little brother and his friends watched a horror movie called "Saw". i used to love horror movies, as they failed to scare me and just made a plain thrill. but now, when i heard the shrills and the horrible shouts of the victims, i felt a bit obnoxious. later, when i peeped a few times to see what the fuss is all about, i was quite appalled. there was this guy cutting his leg off, and the other guy begged him to stop. the whole scene was gruesome. i felt horrible.

although i kill virtual people in the GTA (Grand Theft Auto) game almost a day in a week, this felt just too much. no longer have i enjoyed watching people suffer at movies. what has changed in me? in the latest months my self esteem and security has dropped and shriveled. i fear more and i have more nightmares. through therapy i understand that right now I'm in a hard stage of the treatment. I'm opening my wounds and it's a hard thing to feel them opening and to look inside. i found out more about my bad sides and my good sides, my highs and lows, my rights and wrongs, my auto self destruction.

my dreams tell me about the sides in me that horrify and the challenges ahead. fear takes a form in my nightmare as cockroaches or spiders. i wake in the middle of the night, breathing swiftly. but later, when i interpret my dreams with my therapist, i understand the deep significance it holds for me. it's a battle at it's peak (or that's how i feel). there are so many things, so many lessons and challenges that are hard to deal with just by living. i had a real hard time to do communicative actions lately, to even think about going out or to answer to messages. it's not that i don't want the connection with the outside world, but things are getting more harder right now. it's a kind of survival test.


I went to the print house in Friday and we printed the newspaper that i designed and worked on for the past two and a half month. YAY! it was an amazing thing to find out I'm not stressed at all. i was focused, energetic (you know that energy burst before a really big fatigue?), and very positive. things turned out smoothly. i was amazed at how I'm not stressed. in fact i was more stressed in the iris (high quality print before the big print for color checks) than the actual print. the printers were nice and collaborative people. although they tried to hasten processes a little bit (it was Friday and they were due to go home when finishing our project), i could really sense that they know a lot. i added a pinch of cyan here, tried to avoid purple skies by lowering the magenta, and it came out rather good, with some beginner mistakes here and there. i really liked being there (although there were times between the plate changes where i had nothing to do). one of the printing assistant was a good music lover who really helped passing the dead time. at the end of the day, bounding was scheduled in Sunday and the first 1000 copies were due to be ready in Wednesday. it was all peaches.

ALAS! (PA, PA, PAAAAA!!!!!) we called lately to make sure things are going as planned, only to discover that the binding was referred to another binding house and thus postponed to (drums please:) Wednesday!! oh shit. well, it's so obvious, problems will occur. i should have been prepared. we got a promise but i don't feel that some of the printing house workers are reliable, and neither our bosses, so all the weight falls on us. typical but not. then - in Wednesday, the newspaper was all ready!

but again - ALAS! the print house manager stated to me in the phone that if that chimp (my term) boss of mine won't pay up, he won't get a square centimeter or a drop of ink of that newspaper. so things just linger and linger. i was quite upset. here's one of my chimp boss who had waited for his newspaper to be designed, and then when all is ready he fails to do his part in every goddamn step of the way, and so the newspaper is just gathering dust and he looses time and money. what a mutant chimpanzee!

i think the biggest revelation in these past hard weeks, was that i wasn't stressed at the print house at all. and for me it's a progress.


Anonymous deity said...

the movie "Saw" was one of the most fucked-up movie I have ever seen this year. i did the movie review for this teachers' website where am doing freelance writing. the website manager told me to redraft the review as i almost gave away the ending, which would take all the fun from watching said movie. bwahahahah...

10:34 AM  
Blogger dark-forest said...

i should see it sometimes ;)

5:00 PM  

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