Monday, October 03, 2005

Happy New Nightmare

Happy new year everybody.
i know i won't have one. i just know. as i knew i won't have a happy birthday, happy Hanukah, happy nothing. how can it be a happy new year, when i already feel old from the burden of just living.
how can it be a happy new year if i hate myself, and everybody is saying that i should love myself but i cant understand how is that possible. how can i smile when I'm feeling like this face in the mirror belongs to another man, when it's too much to even seeing myself in the mirror.

this is not a "save me" post. this is just for whining.

i know things will be better, i just don't see it around the corner. in fact, it seems so blurry and faint, like an old postcard.

i woke up in 7:00 a.m. breathing short and fast breaths, so i took my notebook and wrote that nightmare i just had. i was in the lobby of my building. in the electricity board, there was a mangled truck with a corpse of a child. i only saw his hand through the glass. when i got out to the parking lot, i saw another mangled truck with a hand of a man seen through the glass. then i got with my little brother under the building again, where there is a garden and some seats made from bricks. i saw a terrible spider looking insect, about the width of a melon, and he was walking toward me. i was walking backwards frightfully, while trying to hide behind my little brother and saying something like "oi", "oi". i wanted my brother to help me, but he only laughed at me and imitated me. i tried to escape that insect, but it was jumping against the wall, and then towards me, and then i woke up, breathing swiftly.

it reminds me a similar dream i had some months ago, with cockroaches swarming over my house, and i hystericaly cried for my little brother to help me, but all he did was to laugh at me and picked some of them, shoving them (to my horror) towards me, as though we were kids.
in the normal existence i love my little brother so much, and normally i don't resent him. most of my brotherly problems are with my older brother.

all this day i had to make some errands today, shopping for good prepared food for us to eat the next days. normally i don't have no problem cooking, but my little brother prefers new bought things. i understand him, wanting to go wild. he asked for some whipped cream in a can, Oreo's, pizza and all sort of things, because our parents gave us some money and said to us to go wild. me - i don't get excited over the money they gave us. the only thing i need is some quietness and space, and i know fat greasy food won't make me feel better in the long run. i have a simple need of quiet and space, my space.

tonight we have a family gathering because it's a holiday. i didn't bought myself any new clothing. i feel so ugly and so depressed, i don't want to buy anything. mom asked from my older brother to buy me some clothes and some new shoes. and so he went and i thanked him, but i didn't like what he bought for me. one shirt and a pair of shoes. i didn't like the shirt and i didn't like the shoes too, but i was too uncomfortable for him making all this effort and me not liking what he painstakingly bought (because i know that he spends much time buying clothes, so i appreciate it). i said i like the shoes but i didn't care how they look. i just can't enjoy that anymore. i can't buy myself new clothes. i just don't care about it.
this situation makes me walking in pants bought two years ago, and i feel like I'm too neglected. not much of a help to my enormous self esteem.

this family gathering is like the last place i ever want to be in now. all this food and those horrible boring conversations, and those even more boring question about how'sit going on and what about that paper, and my nice cousin secretly offering me to smoke some pot outside (and me refusing "because I'm driving" but actually I'm so depressed i don't think it will do any good). i feel shriveled, dried up. i don't want to do anything. i just want to be alone and watch the rain who hasn't shown in our country, (and sadly by the forecast - won't appear this year too).

8 Comments:

Anonymous lilly said...

This to shell pass - this is my motto for moments like that.

I just got back from my own little family nightmare, I'm too tired to think properly. Holiday times is just too stressful.

On one end I know this pressure you are suffering and on the other and, and this is a little too embarrassing to say, I'm a little jealous that what worry you is how you feel and not, like in my family, how my mother and sister feel, in our family gathering the success rates, or rather disaster rates doesn't really depend on me, it depend on my mom and sister, my emotions are of no one's concern, including mine.

Basically, I got so annoying I was starting to pull a green hulk routine.

I'm going to sleep now, talk to me tomorrow or the day after, maybe we'll go catch a movie or something - run away from the family situation - what say you?

2:31 PM  
Blogger Danielle said...

It's very interesting to hear about what other people have nightmares about...like it's contributed to things we think about, things we watch and see, things we hear...I usually have nightmares about getting shot or stabbed and no one is ever there to help me.. like nothing ever happened. I'm like, "HEY! I'm SHOT!" and they just stand there. Why is that?

2:14 PM  
Blogger T. Willie said...

Thanks for commenting @ my place. You helped make my boy's night:-)

I have nightmares, too. If I fall asleep, I dream my son is suffocating while I snooze. Then I wake up in my dream and realize he's dead, I didn't wake up fast enough to get him breathing again. Then I wake up in real life and realize he's a)not breathing or b)actually breathing really well and it's just too quiet and I'm not used to him being ok. I've really got to sort my head out.

3:52 PM  
Anonymous Helen said...

Sometimes family support is just what we need. Other times, it makes the burden feel heavier, as if you're not living up to their expectations and/or wishes for you. Hoping you follow your own path, discover your own expectations.
Peace...........

5:18 PM  
Blogger Indigo said...

I hear you on the family get-togethers. Sometimes there is only so much family I can take. Other times, it's not so bad though. I hope you are feeling better.

8:08 PM  
Anonymous deity said...

yaro, when i was your age, i used to whine a lot about my family. why can't they be perfect? why can't mom and dad be like this and like that? why can't my brothers and sister just die?

i have a really big family - 4 brothers and 1 sister. imagine the family gathering. these days, you have to add the nieces and nephews and the sisters-in-law. sunday family gathering is a force majeure on its own. disaster if i may so. but know what? i have learned to love my family, value their presence in my life, accept them for all their obnoxity and all. i realized now that if not for them, i won't be me today.

think about it dear. your family can't be that bad. try to appreciate them on another angle.

mwah! cheers:)

4:29 AM  
Anonymous deity said...

yaro, when i was your age, i used to whine a lot about my family. why can't they be perfect? why can't mom and dad be like this and like that? why can't my brothers and sister just die?

i have a really big family - 4 brothers and 1 sister. imagine the family gathering. these days, you have to add the nieces and nephews and the sisters-in-law. sunday family gathering is a force majeure on its own. disaster if i may so. but know what? i have learned to love my family, value their presence in my life, accept them for all their obnoxity and all. i realized now that if not for them, i won't be me today.

think about it dear. your family can't be that bad. try to appreciate them on another angle.

mwah! cheers:)

4:29 AM  
Blogger dark-forest said...

Lilly - yea the holiday period passed. i can only compare it to a hurricane. coming and ruining everything, while exhausting hundreds of precious resources for no reason, leaving people dazed and confused.

dear Danielle - in responce to your dreamical problem, i can only reply and sujjest that you start eying people in your dreams while shot, or you can take a more determent decision, and expose your brests. rescueing will accure nano seconds afterwards. guaranteed.
people's dreams are so very interesting. it's like the amazing truth hidden in smart associations.

cyborg - i think that shows a true love and caring. that's pretty sorted imho :) but still scary...

Helen - amen to that!

Indigo - this time it was rather boring. i didn't have the will to do shit. and so the night passed slowly.

Deity - thanks dear. i couldn't agree more, but right now im in a stage where i want to escame the homeworld but i have no cylon neuto deflectors for my avionic nano quark reactor for my spaceship engine.
i need to seek out new civilizations, to go boldly where no Yaro has gone before, and to find out the truth for the question : "who is that holy man who invented THE UNDO "

2:54 PM  

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