Saturday, November 05, 2005

vanilla sky



T
ommorow I'll go to Tel Aviv and begin my second year in graphic design (visual communications) studies. i feel so terrified. even though i was one of the best students in the first year, i feel terrified. i feel like I'm too floating in my spheres, and now the studies will be more practical and more down to earth, and less artistic.
the new illustration class is in Tuesday, and i feel as though I'll be a terrible illustrator and I'm disappointed at myself for not trying to practice some illustration. i feel as though i had almost no vacation, because i have been working on that newspaper all the vacation. im terrifieAd of getting 85 grade in typography like i did last year, even though i tried harder.
im terrified with being with people in the breaks between the lessons,
sitting with my eyes almost blinded by the sun,
being with people but not being able to hear what they are saying,
watching their mouths moving,
feeling uncomfortable,
exposed and naked,
not having anything to say,
covering my belly,
feeling fat,
laughing when everyone laughs,
asking "what did you say", trying to get closer and bend my head so my ears will be closer and still not able to understand what was said.
im afraid of sitting in a class and have one of those gas pressures in my stomach that makes sounds and go up to the throat until you are occupied with fighting it.
im afraid of standing in the hot, dark, and crowded drawing class, not able to understand why i cant draw well when in home i draw good.
im afraid of remaining lonely and not being able to make good friendship with one of the students in my class. my "Friends" that only interact with me on school, but won't socialise with me unless it's an event of the whole class. im afraid of knowing that some of my "friends" went out during break to smoke a pot and didn't bother to ask me. it's not that im so hot for a ganja, its that i hate to be excluded.
im afraid of being mediocre, im afraid of sitting hours and hours on a project, all stressed inside and making a mediocre project.
terrified.

but altogether i feel that through therapy, i got some tools that will help me along the way. it's about a week ago, when i made a decision in my heart to fight my depression attacks. to smell it when it just starts and not letting myself sink in it. sometimes, i guess, it's too strong because you don't really want to fight, but altogether i have recorded some victories.
it was Sunday, when i realised that the month is over and i'll probably won't get any money from that mutant worm employer. i was quite bitter and almost sank into a sea of bitterness, fantasizing on slapping him or even killing him. i was so disappointed. then i had a talk with my father. i said i want the first month of school to be work free, but he replied that i have no money in my bank account, and that the school and medicine are too expensive for those kind of privileges. that also reminded me of the current situation, as much as i wanted to stop thinking about it. those hate fantasies ran again through my head, this time even harder, and all my thoughts were devoted to hate. a week before i discussed my therapist about me not doing that little thing i should do - which is sum the bill for my salary and give the document to my employer. i realised that i should do it, with or without the prospects of paying, and not letting myself the privilege of "passing the ball" to his hands (meaning - it was quite comfortable from me to make him even more evil, than to do what's necessary).

and so i gathered myself made the bill and gave it to him. he tried to lower my salary and called me a liar, but my brother helped me and talked with him, and so they agreed on a certain amount which was somehow respectable. i thanked my brother many times, although i really don't like getting favors from him because he uses his favors as a trading card. never the less, i wouldn't have made it without him. later (and back to the second paragraph) i was walking in an avenue, swimming in an ocean of bitterness, fighting with myself.
"i wont give in to bitterness
i wont give in to bitterness
i wont give in to bitterness"
i screamed in my mind over and over again, until - the devil passed away from my thought. it was a minor victory. i discovered i can beat that devil sometimes, if i really really want.

later, i found out that with a big effort from me to eat right and do regular exercise, i lost a bit weight which i added during the holiday. another victory.
even more later i found out from my brother, that the chimp boss might get money and might pay us tomorrow, on Sunday. i try not to get too optimistic and think about it as though it's just another false promise. in this case, i wont give in to optimism in that case. or at least i hope so.

today, i got out of bed and noticing someone forgot turn off the sub woofer in my right ear. sounds triggered a constant bass hum. the only solution i had at the moment, was to stich a foam earplug to stop hearing there. i constantly felt weird, being deaf in one ear. oh well, i said... but in my mind i kept being afraid that troughout raves, partys and heavy music consumption, i fucked up my precious ears. i just hope it's nothing but an infection.

i went to see an amazing anime movie called "Howl's moving castle" with a friend, as a kind of compensation for my lack of vacation.
it was one of the most amazing and deepening movies i watched lately. when i saw that elaborated, detailed, wonderful world created in front of my eyes, i suddenly remembered a very important wish i have forgotten long ago. it was "to realize (to execute) the worlds that i create in my head". it all started when i saw movies like star wars and the "storyteller" series, and read the Greek mythologies as a child. i wanted to do that to, to create worlds. in time i forgotten that wish. it was buried in the obscurity of "can't", "there are many like you", "you ar not special", "you need better skills", "you need a steady profession in life" etc. but now, seeing that movie, i suddenly remembered.
after the movie, we went to a cafe and i felt so floating. both the wonderful movie experience, and that strange hearing effect because of the valve stuck in my ear, made me feel like I'm in a dream, like things are not so real. we sat and talked. i drank a long espresso with lots of foam, and a tiny cookie. she drank a mug with "Americana" (well, i think), which is coffee all the less, with three cookies and some milk on the side in a little cute porcelain pitcher. it was all so fun for me. a perfect opportunity to concentrate on having fun. we talked and even when i talked about the fact that school is tomorrow, i was less bothered as I'm usually accustomed to. i looked at the street of tel aviv from the cafe window, bathing in blueish and golden-brown light of saturday afternoon. "i love you, tel aviv" i thought to myself. "i don't want to go away". when we parted and i drove back, i noticed the perfect vanilla sky. i saw soft pastel shades of yellow, orange, purple coloring rich and fat clouds that were so dreamy, amazing, and sweet, like sweet vanilla pured on a hot milk foam in a long glass.

in that movie i saw a good demon who was fighting other demons and armies, for the sake of the world and his loved people. it made me think that in my daily life, i can really compare myself to a kind of a soldier. i fight for my sanity and happiness. i fight against my demons, my fears and depressions, my weaknesses. i fight to do exercise and not eating that cookie in front of my eyes. i fight to remember taking those injections and pills on the right times, that are necessary for my health. i fight to love myself a little and to live with myself. i fight with my "why can't you be like" questions and the "you don't worth shit" thoughts that drive away and diminish my true creativity. i fight to make better art, and i fight to be the best because the only self esteem i have, is when i prove myself that im not that bad. i fight in therapy to open those wounds and fight even harder.
im fighting to save Vendolusia.
The Chronicles of Vendolusia