Saturday, November 05, 2005

vanilla sky

ommorow I'll go to Tel Aviv and begin my second year in graphic design (visual communications) studies. i feel so terrified. even though i was one of the best students in the first year, i feel terrified. i feel like I'm too floating in my spheres, and now the studies will be more practical and more down to earth, and less artistic.
the new illustration class is in Tuesday, and i feel as though I'll be a terrible illustrator and I'm disappointed at myself for not trying to practice some illustration. i feel as though i had almost no vacation, because i have been working on that newspaper all the vacation. im terrifieAd of getting 85 grade in typography like i did last year, even though i tried harder.
im terrified with being with people in the breaks between the lessons,
sitting with my eyes almost blinded by the sun,
being with people but not being able to hear what they are saying,
watching their mouths moving,
feeling uncomfortable,
exposed and naked,
not having anything to say,
covering my belly,
feeling fat,
laughing when everyone laughs,
asking "what did you say", trying to get closer and bend my head so my ears will be closer and still not able to understand what was said.
im afraid of sitting in a class and have one of those gas pressures in my stomach that makes sounds and go up to the throat until you are occupied with fighting it.
im afraid of standing in the hot, dark, and crowded drawing class, not able to understand why i cant draw well when in home i draw good.
im afraid of remaining lonely and not being able to make good friendship with one of the students in my class. my "Friends" that only interact with me on school, but won't socialise with me unless it's an event of the whole class. im afraid of knowing that some of my "friends" went out during break to smoke a pot and didn't bother to ask me. it's not that im so hot for a ganja, its that i hate to be excluded.
im afraid of being mediocre, im afraid of sitting hours and hours on a project, all stressed inside and making a mediocre project.

but altogether i feel that through therapy, i got some tools that will help me along the way. it's about a week ago, when i made a decision in my heart to fight my depression attacks. to smell it when it just starts and not letting myself sink in it. sometimes, i guess, it's too strong because you don't really want to fight, but altogether i have recorded some victories.
it was Sunday, when i realised that the month is over and i'll probably won't get any money from that mutant worm employer. i was quite bitter and almost sank into a sea of bitterness, fantasizing on slapping him or even killing him. i was so disappointed. then i had a talk with my father. i said i want the first month of school to be work free, but he replied that i have no money in my bank account, and that the school and medicine are too expensive for those kind of privileges. that also reminded me of the current situation, as much as i wanted to stop thinking about it. those hate fantasies ran again through my head, this time even harder, and all my thoughts were devoted to hate. a week before i discussed my therapist about me not doing that little thing i should do - which is sum the bill for my salary and give the document to my employer. i realised that i should do it, with or without the prospects of paying, and not letting myself the privilege of "passing the ball" to his hands (meaning - it was quite comfortable from me to make him even more evil, than to do what's necessary).

and so i gathered myself made the bill and gave it to him. he tried to lower my salary and called me a liar, but my brother helped me and talked with him, and so they agreed on a certain amount which was somehow respectable. i thanked my brother many times, although i really don't like getting favors from him because he uses his favors as a trading card. never the less, i wouldn't have made it without him. later (and back to the second paragraph) i was walking in an avenue, swimming in an ocean of bitterness, fighting with myself.
"i wont give in to bitterness
i wont give in to bitterness
i wont give in to bitterness"
i screamed in my mind over and over again, until - the devil passed away from my thought. it was a minor victory. i discovered i can beat that devil sometimes, if i really really want.

later, i found out that with a big effort from me to eat right and do regular exercise, i lost a bit weight which i added during the holiday. another victory.
even more later i found out from my brother, that the chimp boss might get money and might pay us tomorrow, on Sunday. i try not to get too optimistic and think about it as though it's just another false promise. in this case, i wont give in to optimism in that case. or at least i hope so.

today, i got out of bed and noticing someone forgot turn off the sub woofer in my right ear. sounds triggered a constant bass hum. the only solution i had at the moment, was to stich a foam earplug to stop hearing there. i constantly felt weird, being deaf in one ear. oh well, i said... but in my mind i kept being afraid that troughout raves, partys and heavy music consumption, i fucked up my precious ears. i just hope it's nothing but an infection.

i went to see an amazing anime movie called "Howl's moving castle" with a friend, as a kind of compensation for my lack of vacation.
it was one of the most amazing and deepening movies i watched lately. when i saw that elaborated, detailed, wonderful world created in front of my eyes, i suddenly remembered a very important wish i have forgotten long ago. it was "to realize (to execute) the worlds that i create in my head". it all started when i saw movies like star wars and the "storyteller" series, and read the Greek mythologies as a child. i wanted to do that to, to create worlds. in time i forgotten that wish. it was buried in the obscurity of "can't", "there are many like you", "you ar not special", "you need better skills", "you need a steady profession in life" etc. but now, seeing that movie, i suddenly remembered.
after the movie, we went to a cafe and i felt so floating. both the wonderful movie experience, and that strange hearing effect because of the valve stuck in my ear, made me feel like I'm in a dream, like things are not so real. we sat and talked. i drank a long espresso with lots of foam, and a tiny cookie. she drank a mug with "Americana" (well, i think), which is coffee all the less, with three cookies and some milk on the side in a little cute porcelain pitcher. it was all so fun for me. a perfect opportunity to concentrate on having fun. we talked and even when i talked about the fact that school is tomorrow, i was less bothered as I'm usually accustomed to. i looked at the street of tel aviv from the cafe window, bathing in blueish and golden-brown light of saturday afternoon. "i love you, tel aviv" i thought to myself. "i don't want to go away". when we parted and i drove back, i noticed the perfect vanilla sky. i saw soft pastel shades of yellow, orange, purple coloring rich and fat clouds that were so dreamy, amazing, and sweet, like sweet vanilla pured on a hot milk foam in a long glass.

in that movie i saw a good demon who was fighting other demons and armies, for the sake of the world and his loved people. it made me think that in my daily life, i can really compare myself to a kind of a soldier. i fight for my sanity and happiness. i fight against my demons, my fears and depressions, my weaknesses. i fight to do exercise and not eating that cookie in front of my eyes. i fight to remember taking those injections and pills on the right times, that are necessary for my health. i fight to love myself a little and to live with myself. i fight with my "why can't you be like" questions and the "you don't worth shit" thoughts that drive away and diminish my true creativity. i fight to make better art, and i fight to be the best because the only self esteem i have, is when i prove myself that im not that bad. i fight in therapy to open those wounds and fight even harder.
im fighting to save Vendolusia.


Anonymous lilly said...

The first day in the new school year's always frightening, especially after you did real well in the last one, I didn't really mind getting back to school in 2nd and 3rd year, I sucked at first and 2nd and so I couldn't get any more sucky, but the 4th year after being really good at 3rd was very difficult to go back to. I felt I was being expected to excel again that if I won't live up to the standards I made in the 3rd year, the teacher would be disappointed and angry.

After a while I realize that the only person setting the expectations is myself, and that since they are blocking my creativity and force me into a certain type of projects and techniques, I'm too afraid to try something new.

I couldn't beat it, it was real difficult, then one project came around Passover, it was to illustrate a travel log for a place you never actually been to, I chose Morocco, I did most of the project in the Passover vacation rather then in class and at home between classes, and I did the whole thing in my sketchbook, I used techniques I didn't use till then like color pencils and watercolor ink. It wasn't only my best project, it was also opening new horizon and effected me artistically in many ways (like the fact I still draw almost only in a sketchbook).

I'm trying to get my sister who's also started the new school year how important it is to still find time for those little vacations, like a movie or going out with friends or taking a walk or read non related to school books - do something fun, real fun, not resting for 3 hours infront of the TV, but actual fun everyday. I hope both you and her will get it (or I'm left with no friend till semester vacation...)

I'm glad that you confronted your boss about the money. You worked hard for it and you need it and there's no reason why you shouldn't get it.
I can still get you in touch with my friend about the technical support gig if you want, I think it means you have to take a week long course that might get you you miss classes for a few days, but I think it might be worth it, cause afterwards the shifts are pretty comfortable to juggle with the studying, I know that he made a massive amount of good friends their, cause the place's just mostly young people who like computers. If you want, let me know - it might not be creative but you get to learn how to maintain your own computer and they actually do pay...

6:49 AM  
Anonymous deity said...

hi yaro,

on a totally different matter. why did you delete the shoutbox? i feel so bad. i really had a great time playing with that one and it's easier to post there because sometimes i dont want to use my akasha id. actually sometimes, an confused, which one i should use, my original site or the duo blog. lol! and shoutbox really made my life so much easier then.

anyway, hope you get another shoutbox. you know there are just people whose mission in life is to torment others. am glad am not a spammer:)


1:41 AM  
Blogger dark-forest said...

rhanks lilly for your comment, it meens alot.

hi deity.
sorry to bum you like that.
i have problems with my shoutbox because there are spammers that use that platform for their abominated action - spamming.
so im sorry...

nowadays i have less time for the blog.

2:09 AM  
Anonymous deity said...

hi there,

am sorry to hear that shitty stuff about spammers. and sorry that you don't have much time to blog either. lol. seems that you are kinda busy these days.

just holler for anything. i miss you man.


ps. chaos and i met finally! yay!

10:40 AM  
Anonymous deity said...

Sorry that I have forgotten to greet you in time. Got into moving again.

Hope you had a blessed Christmas and here's wishing for a prosperous New Year!

Go write some more! I miss your stuff! Seriously!


8:23 AM  

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