Monday, March 27, 2006

not coming back

















I dont know.
im really dazed and confused.
several month has passed from the last post and the second year beginning.
i've earned good grades and good projects, but i noticed that i invest too much, and too late. my tendancy is to postpone the making to it's last moments, and because in my mind my projects have to be grand and impressive, i wear myself down and others who help me.
im exhausted. broken. alone.
im in a crisis. i lost the spirit and the will to create.
well - not exactly. when there is a new project, i get so tensed up because i want to do good. that tension is often paralising, horrifying. and the horror is like a wheight too heavy. and so i run away, to waste my time on stupid computer games, and to my art, to a place with no feedback, no croud, no cynical remarks or wills to be the best. in my art im myself, and that's why it's flowing.
and in the meentime the dead-line is coming, streaching like a sword on my neck, making me more despaired and unable to be creative. my negative competitive side is whipping my mind, but im failing to carry on.

im running away in my mind, just like in previous years when i wanted to run away mentally. in my imagination im in india, riding on a little scooter with some girl who loves me. it's hot, and we hear hindi bolywood songs, laughing and enjoying at them.

when we were making collages of angry faces, my teacher told me that im having trouble to connect to my anger. yea, i hate to admit that a teacher is right when throwing psychological statement, but he's fucking right. my therapist said too. i guess i was angry in youth, when i found out that school is a growing place for the wicked and strong, not a learning place, and no one can do a thing. i think i wanted to forget my anger. i don't have the strength to be angry. i just want peace and love. but lately i do feel angry and bitter, of the shit im feeling and give myself, and the traps i make and fall on every time.

i feel angry about everything. bitter about my therapist, who failed to talk to me when i had paralising panic. i called her and asked for two minutes of help. i asked for some helping words, something like "breath deeply and calm yourself". but she said she doesn't believe in those things, and offered me to come over for a meeting. later i talked to a friend (which i will wright soon), and he managed to sooth me, like my therapist couldn't. i know i might be exaggarating, and that i should have gone to that meeting, but still i was bitter. my therapy is stuck on the same thing. every week i come and talk about me failing my diet, my loneliness, my crisis, my parents aasking me to get a job. and she (rightfully) sais i have to make a choice, to start acting for a better life. she is right, i know. but it makes me feel bitter and hatefull about myself, and as a concequence, about the entire world. that event when she didn't/couldn't help me, was a kind of a turning point. lately i was contemplating on leaving the therapy untill i get a job, and this was the day i decided that i got to quit. i feel so stupid for doing this, and while in a middle of a serious crisis. but want to quit. a year and a half of therapy is more than enough.

but a few days ago was a little turning point in this year. in the blackest day of the year - my birthday, i found out true friends who care. they didn't knew it was that date, but i quietly said something about it when we were walking on the flea market, they all kissed and hugged me. three people who showed their care not by just congratuating me, but showing a real care. they were nice to me before, i just didn't notice that. somehow, i just cant believe someone is loving me and looking me beyond the exterior. it's because i don't love myself. from the moment that i told them, the whole day turned into a celebration day, and we all headed to eat somethig although we lack the money.
in this year i've earned a real good friend. i built this relationship with great pain and indurance, i invested in this and he did too, and i found out there is someone who looks at me with love and adoration, as much as i adore him. he calls me and i call him, and stone by stone, we are building a good friendship. and that's a good progress in my standarts.

i made this post while time is getting shorter to make some sketches for an entire project due to this thirsday. i want to run away. i just want someone to just call me and say - happy birthday, it's going to be allright, how are you doing? don't worry.

I made this postcard while having that fear, that panic. i dare not call this a panic attack, but it was rather scary and paralising. i was not paralised in a phisical way, only in a mental way. it was like being in a deep pit, and every option i thought about was null and void. it seemed like nothing, nothing can get me out of that pit.

The Chronicles of Vendolusia