Saturday, April 15, 2006

Could have, should have, would have

a week has passed over since the passover holyday and it was quite hard to harness myself to do some of the enormous projects laid upon us. but now it's less stressing to do the homework because time isn't lashing you to be creative. i discover i have some will power and i manage to do some homework, but it's far less the advantage i really want to. there is this entire graphic identity for my college, designing a bottle label that i was too much stressed to do, doing two drawings that i've been avoiding in fear of mediocracy, a whole advertorial campaign about teens helping each other, a site about bolywood's music, etc etc etc. and all of that will be (yea right) squeesed into this week. so now im more scared.

recently i talked with some friends about all my homeworks. my friend said that she's happy she's not a student. for me this was something like laughing at me (but not such a big deal). it's because somehow, when i look further this week, i really can't see myself studying and enjoying. and furthermore i ask myself - do you want to be a designer?

earlier - in the first year of my design school, i had a clear vision of what i wanted to do. i excelled in everything i did, i invested tons of effort to be the best in projects and between fellow students. along that came a great inferiority feelings that came with my failure of acceptance to other, more popular schools. for me it was a tragedy that drive me to excell and to prove the world i can do it better. between students i was and still am a some kind of genious. i wanted to succeed so much.

now im so tired of the race.now im no success, more fears the psychotherapy session i had wiped this will to succeed and left me a kind of partly ruined but more truthfull man. i faced some of myself, my worst self, my buried seld. someone that underneath the polished layers of marble felt like sewer soaked earth. now i can see the truth, but i feel weaker.
lately i had REAL trouble of being creative and successful. some works were good, sometimes bad and mediocre, and sometimes the fear of failure has kept me from advancing in the phases everyone had gone through in the class. many times i brought no sketches to the class, and it hurts you.

in the other hand im more easy on myself. failure sometimes seems like something normal that happens sometimes. sometimes. im at a transitional phase.

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im quite happy that almost no one reads this blog (besides of cute deity ^_^) . that meens that im less worried and obsessed with how many people actualy red my blog. there is no critique, and i can continue writing my mediocre writing, my fears, my problems (and with a slight dimention of censurship), and enjoy being mediocre.

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