Saturday, April 08, 2006

happy as it is

it's now the beginning of the passover weekend. two weeks of un school days, and although it's filled with projects, i feel more at ease. i just hope i'll have enough inner power to do stuff and not waste time.

i found out that im not pleased of my creativity when im designing/creating for a customer, for school and when there are qritiques awaiting. i most happy when i create art for myself. in this last year i learned how not to look at myself and say - "why can't you be more productive, why can't you create more art, there are many things that i should do, etc...". nowadays i let art come from inside of me when it wants, when im happy or sad. but i don't push it. it comes.

im never happy from my schoolwork as im happy with my art.
and from this perspective, all of the designs i do for school are the oposite. im never happy, never confident. sometimes im so afraid of not succeeding - that i can't design. this is my crisis. in the first year i wanted to get all grades straight A. but it was rather exhausting. i had to pretend im a superman, a god who knows anything, and that's maybe the reason i lacked friends from school. now im in a crisis, but slowly im begining to feel more comfort with whatever comes, good or bad. im still in the process, and my competitiveness and jealosy prevent me from creating and deepen my horor, but i fight.

today i went with my brother to a TEE market. we saw awesome t-shirt designs, cool kids in highschool with immense talent and wonderful strokes. i can't say i saw something new. but alltogether i can't say a bad word. i enjoyed seeing the designs. but i came with no will to buy anything (i guess that i don't like markets)- i enjoyed waliking with my little brother. i bought two cool shirts and my brother bought two lovely things.

later we went by foot from abrabanel street (where the market was, in "haoman" club) to the old city of jaffa.
i like that place. it has the spirit of palestina in a way, before it became israel. old buildings with pointed, gothic like arches and soft stones. interesting people - israelis, arab and tourist from around the world. the flee market - my kind of mall - was closed because it was sabbath, when most stores are closed. i like to go to the flee market. you can find any trash you like in a descent price. i once bought a tiny pea-green ceramic vase, some cool old books for my collages and really old bottles for a very low price. whenever i want to pamper myself, i take some 30 shekels atmost and go to the market. i pass on the passages that are cramped with old sales men with really old stands that are filled with every kind of cool junk you'd ever want. old memorabilias, tiny sculptures, soda siphon, old machinery, festively colored cloths, strange clothes, piles of hats, etc. they are too goddamn errogant and expensive. instead i go to what i call "the slums".

on a specialy cleared part of the market people are welcomed to spread their goods on the floor and trade stuff in low price. this is a kind of end on the economic food chain. the boutiues are the first, then the mall shops, then ordinary shops on the street, then those stands owners on passages, and then the jaffa fleemarket's slums. but there you can find good stuff in a low price.

i continue with my brother. we buy some juice in a nearby juice stand and walk upwards, towards a small section which contains some of the old city, and is widely toured. we stare at the meditteranean and enjoy the view. i enjoyed the east so much, and heard in my mind some fine songs of egyptian artist which i love, like muhammad sultan and om kholthoum. we went throught the small ancient alleys and harbour.
this place, tel aviv and jaffa, i feel so natural here. i feel as i should live here in tel aviv. such a magical place. it's alive and sizzling.
now im quite happy.
im not worrying about homeworks or failure or sleep. i enjoy.

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