Saturday, April 15, 2006

hollocaust.

recently i went to the Tel Aviv museum alone. most of my friends are busy. they have love ones, problems. im not blaming anyone, im happy or sad for them. but in these times that im alone and no one is calling me to hang out or interested in me, i can't help that lonelyness is whispering in my ear. "they don't love you" it says. "they forgot of you", "it was all a hoax", "what did they find in you anyway". i really can't believe to this day, that anyone can love me. it seems so weird. what do they love in me? how do they love something in me which i loath? questions that are way from answer. because even if a shrill and sharp answer will truely come from someone, my ears are mostly blunt, because it seems erational that someone could love something in me. that's why i really need a hug and an honest word.

i walked in the museum and enjoyed the instalations. all of the time i felt as though i have to talk to someone, to share this with someone. i wanted to talk to someone. life is ment for more then one mind, im sure.

one of the halls was michal rovner's installations. i love that artist very much. she is so talented and her works can really open my emotional gates and let them flow.

one work of michal that i did previously- has managed to change something in me. it truely connected me to one of our people's (and other nations) painfull ordeals. it was known as the jewish genocide (and homosexuals and gypsy and freethinkers and more) . we call it "the hollocaust".

most of the times, my relations with the hollocaust turned from respectfully slight interest to respectfully no interest. i wasn't that much interested. i can remember how in school we were always gathered by the teachers in the main hall to participate in the those ceremonies with the same cliche's, same barb wires drawings and illustration's of auswitz's gate, same pictures of the victims and paper yellow patches hanged on the school's walls, same annoying songs and poems. those horrible teachers always watched on the boys so that they won't behave in an unapropriate way or god forbid - go away. i felt that were forced to honot the victims. like that scene in "the clockwork orange" where alex is forced to watch a movie with his eyelids always open by a mechanical device. in highschool we were taking to a boring day in the "getto warior's" kibutz and went to an entire boring seminar. all of my life i was forced to read and learn and tested on the statistics of killing, and so in my mind the subject of the hollocaust turned into a cold, statistical matter. most of the statistics i struggled to squeeze into my head in order to pass the final history test, were wiped from my head. i remember i felt even when we were forced as kids to sit in the blazing sun and watch the ceremonies, that this isn't supposed to be like that. that this connection should be coming from inside of me. that this connetion should be emotional.

lately i was going with my class to "yad vashem" museum (that commemorates the hollocaust) in order to learn more about these events, so we can design posters that will be exhibited in the museum. in the entrance was michal rovner's video art. it's a movie that is consisted of many parts patched together in a perfect "photoshop" like way, taken from original movies that were taken prior to the hollocaust. it showed parts of the jewish life in europ prior to the hollocaust. tiny pieces that make out the whole, that emphasise this entire world that was tragically lost.

when i was faced infront of this innocent, exciting, whole world, and understand the proportion of this loss, the amounts of lifes, emotions, people, taken, i bursted in tears. i cried for the victims. i was connected. no yellow patches, no cliche's, no detailed witnesses of cold and hunger and death, no victim's pictures.
only this experience of what was before. only that they were and now they are gone. now i can truely understand whay it's called "hollocaust". when i saw and heard children in a school singing "hatikva" (which is our anthem), even if i was crying, i felt i was bursting even more with tears. my cry was honest, it came from down below. i understanded.
and then i felt that the entire hollocaust education i went down so far, was null and void in front of this work. one work could do what the entire didn't.
i can't really say i blame anyone in the educational system. i can't. it was something personal.

we left this video art and guided through the rest of the "yad vashem" museum that was really interesting and impressing, but for me it wasn't as real as rovner's work. me and my friends got out of the museum, telling black jokes on the hollocaust and laughed in order to cope. we asked from the teacher if there is enough time to see that work again, and we did. we saw it again and i bursted into tears and cherished it. then we got out, exhausted, telling more jokes and laughing. and to me it was good to connect to the trauma, but celebrate life afterwards.
--

when i walked in the Tel Aviv museum, enjoying the art, i remembred of that fact i understood lately that i get no pleasure of school design project, and much pleasure from making art. how the school experience is a coctail of short success, insecurity and failure.
i remembered how instead of homework i "run" to make art.
i felt as if "it" was calling me. how being an artist, expressing myself, be true to myself is calling me, like a siren. i watched one of michal's instalations that contained rows of small figures moving in courdenance projected on two big slabs of stones. i remembered that design studies were a kind of stepping stones to art school. how design was more a trade for life than a desire. and how i got into it more and more, and discovered the enrichment and pleasure of typography. but art was always there. a passion, a goal, a shining sun. im not regreting about the design studies. i love it. but i really want to be an artist.

i won't quit school. although im in a crisis, i love it. i love design, but i love art even more.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like your designs a lot, if that is what I'm seeing all over your blog.

11:05 PM  
Blogger dark-forest said...

thanks, but i have to mention that those album covers and book covers images in the right were not designed by me.
thanks :)

8:47 AM  
Anonymous lilly said...

Hi, I didn't read your blog in a while, I wanted ot say something about going to the museum alone. After the break up I had very few friends left and I felt really bad and lonly, more then that, I felt, like you describe it, like there's no reasone for me to be loved. I started going to places alone - cafes, resturants, movies, exhibitions, museums, concerts, parties art events and so on, I started reading time out and achbar hair every week to know what's going on, eventually not olny I made friends i could bing them into my very rich workd of activities, for me that was easier then make friends without that added bonus. It's easier for me to call afriend and say "you got to see this amazeing movie tonight, so lets go together" than call and ask "what are you doing tonight and can I join you".

Now I love going to exhibition and movies by myself, it gives me a chance to look at things from a totaly fresh point of view and without the need to be someone that my friends are familier with, Naturally I also love ot go with them, so often I get to see the same movie twice...

Well, all that is very much dependent on my ability to leave my apartment of course...

10:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why cry for 6 million jews when over 50 million aryans were slaughtered in WWII?

3:06 PM  

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